Follow Me On My Journey

It is so funny, how animals can change our outlook on life. You can be in a bad mood over the troubles of the world. You could feel the weight of your own world crashing down. or you could be on top of the world. Thinking things can't be better. Then you find your new cat curled up with the wireless computer mouse that you've been looking for. Suddenly everything around you disappears as you are melted by the sheer cuteness of the situation!

I'm starting to know what to do and what path to follow. More soon. xoxo-Ellen

What is going on? I am soo unbelievably exhausted! I have not felt this tired, slow and sluggish since before surgery 3 1/2 years ago. I'm sure it's just my mood and the fact that it's winter but I feel like crap. Winter always takes a toll on my body. I'm trying my best to be upbeat as there are a lot of great things happening in my life. I'm going to start recording in a few weeks. And I want to further my work in public speaking as a way to motivate people with health issues. I plan on taking on only what I have to do this week, until I start to feel more like my old self. I bought my mother a voicelesson the other day for her upcoming birthday. It is so special to have such a talented mother, she is such a beautiful woman both inside and out. I hope that when I am in her shoes I can possess such grace. Well s much as I would like to continue to type and sleep I have to put that off for a few more hours so I can get some work done for work tomorrow.

I am starting to feel hopeful about my sitiuation again. However I hope that it is not premature. I know I often get my hopes too soon. I am slowly feeling better from being sick on Monday night, but the exhaustion is a bit too much lately. Bed early to hopefully wake early. Good night.

Why is every aspect of my life so damn hard!? I can not take it!! It's serioulsy exhausting!! My life would be so much easier if: I lived closer to work, if grad school wasn't so difficult, if I made more $$ inorder to live closer to work, and if I did not have a stupid heart defect!! It literally rules every aspect of my life in one way or another. After all these years, I'm just tired of it all. I don't feel that I have the fight left in me to take it and kick it in the ass anymore. :( I feel tired an run down all the time, which I know is no good at all! I never, never complain but I have had enough of running myself into the ground to be like everyone else. I'm not and I never will be!! I need to start excepting that, and it will be tought. The only thing all of this ache is good for is ammo for songs.

Tonight I went to see two of my favorite performers. I sit in the club and I listen with all of my senses fully aware of what's happening. I am never more alive as when I am in an audience watching a performance by someone I really like. It is almost like a religious experience. All of my senses are heightened and I feel that for a split second anything in the world possible. It's as if I'm three years old and I am seeing the movie Annie all over again. I want to do this more than anything in the world. I want it so bad I don't even breathe while they are singing. I come home all high and gitty. My mind starts to scheme, how can I do that? What do I have to do to be that good? I want to do for others what the performer has just done for me . I recently tasted how good this can be with my performance at the Duplex. I could feel a few moments where I actually had the crowd. I was so to speak "Working It". I got caught up in the emotions of the words, the moment...

My first YouTube video :) I'm so happy I'm finally figuring this thing out!

I simply do not understand why people who did not like or talk to me earlier in life are trying to friend me now(on face book ). Who cares? I think that since we were not actually speaking for whatever reason, means I'm probably not going to return your friend request. This goes along with a short term memory and perhaps that sense of entitlement that I spoke of. Oh I know that person therefore in order to make my cyber life look better I will friend everyone I ever met. Sorry to be harsh, I just can't figure this phenomenon out. Perhaps it is my 'old soul' talking. Please explain the rational to me for this so I can gain some wonderful life changing insight, that I obviously seem to lack. This week has been challenging and I have felt in control of it all for the most part. I was able to manage work. I noticed how much easier work seems when I'm not actively in grad class simultaneously! Duh! ;)

Sometimes it seems so stupid to ask for something that you need so long after you first needed it! I am trying to change my situation to make my life somewhat easier. If I could finish grad school in Queens that could make things more livable for the duration of my program. I don't want to say too much but all you need to do is speak up and ask, and hopefully you will get someone receptive at the other end. There are so many people unwilling to help or give a flying *%$#. It seems like this world is full of unwilling people and everyone you meet is self entitled and treats you like garbage before they know you. I know when someone treats me awful, I definitely want to be their best friend. I usually will secretly wish some form of harm or something awful on that person. It's like everyone is allowed to act like as ass and you have to take it. Sorry but don't take your garbage out on me anymore, or anyone I know for that matter. You want to act like a fool and tell people ...

Tonight was very exciting, I'm on You Tube singing! It's from the night of my first cabaret show. That whole experience was exciting and the outcome had made me truly happy. I forgot how wonderful that could feel. I was recently asked what to make a list of the things I want. However I am not allowed to use magical thinking. Well what's the point of that!! Being happy is magical. If you can't wish and want things outside of your grasp than why bother thinking or wishing. For this matter financial Independence is magical too, and not worrying about finances! I have decided last year (3 days ago), that I hate money.

Well we have made it to 2010 and I'm excited to see how long it takes my students to write the date correctly. Forget my students writing it correctly, I wrote 2008 the other day. This blog will serve as an outlet for me for the upcoming year and maybe even beyond. I just bought a new computer and am merely trying out this site at the moment. I hope to blog later tonight for real. Much success to all in the upcoming year.