Follow Me On My Journey

This has been a powerful week of positives and negatives. As a sensitive and logical Aquarian, the negatives in life over shadow the amazing positive aspects of the last three days. The only negative that really counts is my brother's 5th Yarhzeit. It's completely crazy how I still expect to see him pop up and how I dream about him. I guess I always will and that's what keeps him alive for me. If he could yell at me again I'd be happy. Odd thing to say, but it's life and that's the truth!! Changing gears to the weekly positive. Monday,  I got even more awesome news from my cardiologist. He's letting me slide on visiting. He'll see me in 4 months. That's huge, it's epic for me. He wants me to go and do what makes me happy and even though he's not heard me sing he suggested music. Aha the theme of the night.  This is very exciting and much anticipated news. With all the scares lately I feel I need a Happy 101 class. But my nerves will

I'm doing the 28 day #Wanderlust #RunYogaMeditate along with the 28 day #LemonWaterChallenge.  Today was day 2, I like the fresh squeezed glass of lemon water first thing in the morning (what could be bad? Really?) Today was first day of yoga, and only for 15 minutes.  ( I ask again...What could be bad with 15 minutes of your time)? This was a great morning beginner sequence.  Follow me on my blog for more updates @ http://ellenbrokenhearted.blogspot.com

            In 2013 I took many chances, the best was the one of a lifetime.   Not everyone was behind me on this decision at this time in my life, I was fighting a horrible cold and had just started a new job, and so my voice was pretty hoarse.   However, being my go-getter attitude I thought if I don’t take this chance I would be doing the ACHA and myself a disservice.   I practiced, rehearsed, changed my song two weeks before, and figured out the 90 seconds allotted, and with help picked out my outfit the night before.             At 6:00am on November 17th my alarm went off, though I was already awake.   I felt like a five year old getting ready for her birthday party on the day of her birthday and putting on the paper crown.   Feeling like a princess knowing something incredible is about to happen and it will be like no other day before or af...

                                                                                                          As a child, I always called September “hell month”.   I called it this because I like other CHDer’s grew up with learning disabilities.   What does this have to do with September and the name I chose?   Well it is when school began again and it was scary to have to deal with a new teacher/s and explain that you have a learning problem, and give them notes fr...

I wonder if anyone is really truely happy all the time? I'm happy part of the time.  My life is Not At All where I thought it would be at this stage in my life.  I did not think, I'd still be living at home a choice I made to get out of a bad situation 2 years ago.  I hadn't planned on being so sick which would've brought me home anyway.  I could think about all this and end it all but where would that get us? We already are like a million dollar jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece in the middle. Sort of like a tray of fresh tray of brownies, with the middle one missing, his favorite! LOL!! But really what would that do? I'd never be able to get try to accomplish anything. I'm willing to learn and I feel that, that will be more life fulfilling.

This year was a hard one for my family. This year was not as hard as last year was, however, hard and emotional in different ways. I feel as if this year, I am the one who fought for my life. No one died. I did not have to eulogize anyone, Thank G-d! However, as stated in the title, I have been sick for almost a full year. It started in February, with a weight loss, but I eat healthy so I thought nothing of it. A month later in March, my belly started to fill up like never before. I began to look pregnant. I had migraines daily, and my belly got so big that my belly button inverted. I am not able or advised to have a baby so this was extra hard! Because I'm strong, and perform, I made up a clever story about my 'pseudo baby' as it was easier than telling people I was in heart failure and the doctors were fighting over whether it was my liver or my heart. This went on for 6 months. I had multiple belly taps, and the fluid, called ascites, would come back literally within...

There are these thoughts and innate feelings. I have as a person with a CHD (congenital heart defect). I am learning that a lot of other CHD'ers as we are called or now Adult CHD'ers feel the same way. I have primarily heard this from woman. Nevertheless, the men too often wonder when the other shoe will drop. I for one go about my life as fully as I can. However, when the lights go out, that is when the worry starts to happen, and I can almost predict, how and when the other shoe will drop. I have predicted it accurately a few times, which is what makes this last bout so difficult. I knew something was wrong with my heart and my body, but did not know what. I spent months in fear, and trying to go about my life was difficult, to say the least. (That however is for another post). It is the fact that all CHD patients have this ability to know when the good is good. When the bad will get worse, and when the good is temporary. Part of that comes from our physicians, but a la...

Hi Everyone, What a crazy roller coaster the last two Weeks have been. All I can say is that I DON'T need a LIVER or a HEART TRANSPLANT!! :) No better words than that. We do not know what is causing my symptoms but the fight is getting old. However now that we know what it is not it is time to look with a new pair of lenses, and re-evaluate everything. So knowing what it isn't and rejoicing in that gives me the strength for a few more rounds to figure out WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS. Yes, I know I complained about my doctor this week, so what? She just has to help me get better, while I get a thicker skin. I'm a Greenberg, I can handle Little Miss UNcongeniality ! If she's the worst part of this process, but she can help, as Andrew would say, "Let her"!! I just can't believe how the doctors thought I needed these two procedures, I started the HUGE NEWS If you want to talk email or call me directly, because face book is just weird.

I promised I would keep up my blog now that I'm having health issues. This morning I get a call from my cardiologist's secretary that from 12-2 tomorrow I'm going to me the "T" Team. I'll meet the transplant coordinator, the psychiatrist or psychologist, not sure which one, the person in charge of insurance and finances and finally the social worker. I will then see my doctor at 2:00 which was set up from last week. This call took my breath away, but the positive is that I can meet them and have that part over with before starting testing next Friday. So as far as knowing if I'm on the list or not sounds like it will happen a LOT faster than we thought. After, I'm on the list who knows. I will write about tomorrow. Tonight I just hope my exhaustion is more than my nerves and that I sleep. xo- Ellen

After a horrible time with my liver biopsy 3 weeks ago, we learned my liver was fine. This was after I had 3 liters tapped out of my abdomen and it was all bloody, showing a bleed from my liver into my abdomen. I ended up spending two nights in the ICU and one on the liver floor before leaving. We were so very lucky to get home before Hurricane Irene hit hard. Also my liver is fine!! Whew! This does however mean that my heart is not :(. The doctors have tried all the diuretics and still I fill up. In fact this coming Thursday, I will have my 5th tap or parasentesis (sp?) since April. I'm not even nervous about it, which is sort of sick, because I've been so uncomfortable, especially at night that I'll do anything to feel some relief! Since the regime of trying different doses and different diuretics and constant belly taps is not an option for the rest of my life, my doctor is cautiously moving ahead. Next week I begin some testing for an evaluation for the Heart Transplant...

Can anyone tell me how to deal with the loss of my brother? Can anyone tell me how life is supposed to go on from here? Can anyone tell me how to handle all the reminders that there are of him or how to not cry when I see something mundane that reminds me of a time we shared? If anyone can tell me how to deal for real not day by day, then let me know because he left us to go onto a better place, and the one we're left in is all ugly and black to me. Can anyone tell me how not to break like a shard of glass again or to say goodbye to his kitty cats on Sunday? Tell me please, cause thinking about all of this takes my breath away! I'm glad his cats are going to family and that they will be together but, they are here and warming up to us and saying goodbye will hurt more than it should. So tell me how to handle that? I'm trying to keep it all togehter but don't know for how long I can do that! I'm strong but seriously, there comes a time and a place. So tell me ho...

I am going to the cardiologist tomorrow morning and I'm really hoping I like what he has to say! Nevertheless, I am remembering the progress and the lesson from last week. Strength! I will certainly be wearing my bracelet :) I just hope there is a simple reason why my belly has been so round lately, especially since I've been exercising daily for two weeks. My weight has fluctuated a few pounds but the roundness has stayed the same. Any cardiac patient knows this can be a bad thing. I will have my I Tunes with me this time and listen to my two all time favorite singers Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. Music is one of the greatest soothing modalities out there. And for the most part I have been fortunate to be allowed to have it with me. Even if the performers never know how meaningful their music is in the tense moments of waiting rooms. Music still fills me with a sense of Hope and joy.

According to Dictionary.com Strength is defined as: –Noun 1.the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. 2.mental power, force, or vigor. 3.moral power, firmness, or courage. 4.vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. The list goes on and on! Some of the —Synonyms power, force, might. I agree with the definition vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. It is the strength in all of us whether you refer to it as power, force, might, courage, moral or mental power that gets us through the rough times in life. The hardest strength to find is emotional strength. We can all go to the gym and lift weights and increase the resistance level over time. However, we are not all strong enough to face 5 open heart surgeries and live to tell about it, like it's a natural occurrence that happens to everyone. It doesn't and sometimes the harsh reality of that stings so hard in the face that we can barely breath. We live with a little extra caution and worry in our li...

There once was a little baby girl born with a sick heart. Little light blue fingers, lips and toes. She was cute and loved by almost all. Relatives either were drawn in by her big eyes, gentle manor and laugh or they were afraid of her in fear of "breaking her". With all the love and support anyone could wish for, life was extremely rough and trying. The best analogy she could make was that it resembled running on a track with hurdles, where each one is significantly higher than the one before. One time she tripped and stumbled over the hurdle. In her mind's eye it seemed to be the highest hurdle yet. This was a blow she did not know if she could recover from. All of her smarts and good sense of humor could not pull her out of the black whole that seemed to be sucking her down. It was like the tornado scene in The Wizard of Oz and it was literally sucking the life out of her. Turning he...

To quote my favorite show Wicked, "Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game, too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!" Have my instincts for the past 31 years been that bad? Am I living in a ditch? No I'm doing what everyone thought I would not be able to do, hold a job and an apartment. I've beat the odds in the past, I'm not going to wuss out now! Now is the time to put on my "Wonder Woman" attire and kick butt! My life is in my hands and my destiny is my own! I can make it whatever I want from here on out. I was raised to know right from wrong and good from bad, and along the way I learned what was good for someone else might be bad for me and vicea versa, no shame in that. I'm going to fight to get all of my will back and work hard to be a happier more self-fulfilled less stresse...

What is going on? I am soo unbelievably exhausted! I have not felt this tired, slow and sluggish since before surgery 3 1/2 years ago. I'm sure it's just my mood and the fact that it's winter but I feel like crap. Winter always takes a toll on my body. I'm trying my best to be upbeat as there are a lot of great things happening in my life. I'm going to start recording in a few weeks. And I want to further my work in public speaking as a way to motivate people with health issues. I plan on taking on only what I have to do this week, until I start to feel more like my old self. I bought my mother a voicelesson the other day for her upcoming birthday. It is so special to have such a talented mother, she is such a beautiful woman both inside and out. I hope that when I am in her shoes I can possess such grace. Well s much as I would like to continue to type and sleep I have to put that off for a few more hours so I can get some work done for work tomorrow.