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Good Advice

I learned a valuable lesson tonight, and I was needing advice so I was very receptive to it. A good friend told me one to not blame myself for everything, and to not be so hard on myself. This is advice everyone tells me, but something about tonights conversation made it ring true. There are only so many things I can control and that's my feelings and emotions not those of others. You never know what might be behind the next corner. It's better to let go of your pain, pity, anger frustration and let it go, but to not direct it toward others. This has certainly been a trying time for me and my family. I was hoping things would be the same as before, before 7 years in Queens that is. I guess it can't we all change and make new friends and we try to incorporate the people of our lives where they fit appropriately. I've been feeling very lonesome from my move home. We did not expect Andrew to die one week later. This is a tragedy we are just starting to feel the ripple effect from. It's not fair for me to take that frustration out on other people whether I mean to or not. It's just the advice I learned tonight was to take a deep breath and put yourself in check first!

We know I've never complained about my heart. That's made me the spunky fighter I am today. I have to use some of that spunkyness to work through my grief. I have not other choice but to accept it, fight with it and eventually start to move on from the pain and loss. Nothing compares to this pain, and it's new waters for me to navigate however as I just stated there's No alternative.

I feel that I ruined something huge this weekend but I also learned a lot and built upon that. I hope that what's been ruined is short lived and that original plans can be set back in motion. No matter what, I learned that just because I'm grieving and lonely(no work)everyone around me matters the same and they are dealing with their own day to day crap.

I realize now that in the last 5 weeks since my move was completed I forgot to think of other's needs and how my actions may or may not effect them. I can be hurt and my friends will allow me to be but it's not ok to poop on them because their life is better (or appears to be) better than mine at the moment. As I come to the end of an emotionally charged month, I have a lot of good things that I still can do, and I plan to have my next show be in Andrew's honor. I have an idea of what I need to do to stay busy and I will continue my networking. One missed chance usually means something better is coming. I hope that in a month from now I will feel even stronger and more sure of myself than I do today. As I said this is just advice, it's how I incorporate it into my routines that matter.

Tomorrow I start back with yoga which will help me in all areas. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be busy and emotional so I have to start to gear myself up now for what the aftermath will be. We have a sick kitty and I have to get him to the vet tomorrow! There are a lot of things I can do to distract myself, I just wish and always will wish that things were they way they were before I moved out. And that folks is what I have to deal with bearing in mind all else, and not blaming myself at the same time!

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