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8 Weeks Later

One of my goals for the week was for me to journal at least once. I'm going to start an addition to my blog labels, it will be called "So Andrew..." This is the first one. So Andrew, you passed 8 weeks ago today. When I think about the where I was this moment and 10:09, and I was crying right after I screamed on the kitchen floor. I kept saying, "It's time to wake up now, it's time to wake up". Well I have finally started to sleep through the night and when I see you in my dreams I get so excited because it feels so real. The other night I made sure it was you by touching you, and when I woke up my hand was squeezing Rocket. I could not breathe again. Every time I think about why you are not here I wish we could go back in time, and I could take care of you and help. I know you would not have let me or any of us help. But still, if I could take back the fight. I want you to know so much!

It's 8 weeks later, and I still cry at the drop of a hat. Your cats are safe and have a posh apartment in SOHO with a cousin we did not know that we had, but she's cool, she has a loft and huge windows. The minute we got there Fredo hid under the kitchen cabinet in a crack she never noticed. Mom and dad are miserable as we all are. I have been pushing myself so hard this week to get through it and be happy, because reality is sinking in. David has been absolutely amazing and strong. I did the haftorah in the main sanctuary this weekend, I wore your tallis and you would have been so proud. Everyone in the world misses you!! I mean everyone. Obviously, I know you can't read this but it helps me write to you so I feel like I'm keeping you posted. Right now This is my way of coping. I officially resigned from the Department of Ed. and you'd have liked the way I did it. Even though the economy is in the tank, I'd still rather be where I am in the house, safe and healthy then teaching anywhere.
Slowly, I'm pulling myself together, but I will break down over and over again. I'm just surprised that 8 weeks later I'm still breathing. ( You know I was supposed to go first!!) I know you are watching out for all of us.

I love you,
Ellie <3

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