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Long Time No Write

I've wanted to write for so long but have had so many emotions all at once that I did not know how to form a sentence. I have so much to say but have been scared to put those words out there, because then it makes them real. For instance there's a lot of things I'll never do and I'll never be. But that's looking at things negatively and black and white. The world is full of color and I need to color it more. The first thing that has been bothering me and making me feel small about myself. Ok smaller. ha ha. One thing that I can't do is read a book at the same speed as my mom or discuss it with our cousins and be on a book club. However I can read and I can set my own pace. Right now my mood is preventing me from having concentration for reading at all, but I know as time passes and life moves forward this will get better and I will read at my pace again.

As I look for a job, I am learning what I'm good at, however the job I want may not be attainable now. Maybe it will come around next year. I just need something to get me out of the house and to make money, this will help me gain my confidence back in my self and my abilities. One thread in my life that I keep finding in all of my job training homework is music and helping others. Big surprise. It's too late for me to become a music therapist, and those jobs are hard to obtain. I can not start a third degree. But if I were a Social Worker, I could counsel people and do my singing on the side. This is not happening now, but I can sing in the car, I can prepare for my next show which will pay homage to Andrew. I may never be a mom but that does not mean that I can't mother. I have my two cats and they love me unconditionally. I can take care of others and a lot of what goes in to taking care and caring for others are the same skills that mothers may use. I can still work with children and surround myself with equally positive and musically inclined people.

I'll never see my older brother again, but I know he's happier and hope he's at peace. All I can do is try to come to peace with this for myself. This is a huge task that I have not even begun to fathom. I do know that Andrew did not hate me the way I thought he did and we had a few good stories that no one can ever take away from me. He's in my baby pictures and we're in David's and all I ever did was love him and wanted the same from him. I can see him every night when I go to sleep. One more thing I can do is carry out the mission to help people like myself with heart defects and to help people struggling with suicide and suicide attempts.

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