Follow Me On My Journey

Cute Cats and Gray Hair! These are the words I keep using to summarize the last 7 years of my life without any emotions. The fact of the matter is there is a lot of emotions and a lot of baggage (literally and figuratively) that accompany the experience of your first apartment. I've been told that 7 years is fairly long to stay in your first apartment. I agree as my place was over the LIRR I lived on the top floor, apartment 7C and every time the train went by my toaster tray would rattle. I kid you not! :/ I hated that and now it will be one of the things I'll cherish from there. The truth is I found a lot about myself in those walls. I found that I have the balls for what it takes to get up on stage and sing for a room full of people I don't know. It all started with CPW = Cabaret Performance Workshop, with the brilliant Helen Baldassarie. I gained the strenght and a friend to let me get up on stage and sing in a cabaret club. Kristen then lived with me for a while and I...

I was so unbelievably productive today I can't believe it despite the heat. I think the disgusting weather was pushing me forward to a cool, relaxing shower in my mind. I spent close to 2 hours in the library and was then on my way to Queens. I packed as much as I possibly could without passing out! Literally!! It was HOT in the apartment that when I left the A/C had not even started to cool the place off. Pack a box, sit in front of the A/C with a glass of water. Slow but I did manage to pack most of my linen closet. The heat is totally messing around with my internal thermometer but I have to pack because July 22, will be here before I know it and then I can take a day to lay in the coolth of the A/C in my new place. My new place is my old place or my safety spot in tag. Home. That's right for the mean time I will be living in my old room, with some new flair my two kitty babes, Rocket and Rescue. We will stay here till I am more settled with my self and than we will have a n...

I've not written for so long, and it's not because of laziness, it's because I truly had a hard time saying what I had to say. I've had so many experiences. Some of the best in my life, The Glee Concert, and BOOM staring my faves, Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. I went to a baby naming which was Awesome with all of the love for this tiny new person. I had yet another break down over something that will not happen for me. I am having a hard time accepting this. And forget that I'm single so my confidence about myself is through the roof. (Sarcasm) I am however, learning a lot about myself. What I need to do is figure out where I belong! I have not found where I belong since I lost where I 'thought' I belonged and that failed on me. I've been to a few BBQ's over the last few weeks. While it's nice to get out of the house and socialize it's not nice if these parties make me feel bad about my self. On thing I have learned is that...

I went to the GLEE Concert tonight! And I am forever a singer through and through!! I will elaborate more in the morning after my workout. But singing is the absolute core of my being. It's who I am and what I live for. I feel that it's a positive way to express my feelings, even the unhappy, scary ones.

I am going to the cardiologist tomorrow morning and I'm really hoping I like what he has to say! Nevertheless, I am remembering the progress and the lesson from last week. Strength! I will certainly be wearing my bracelet :) I just hope there is a simple reason why my belly has been so round lately, especially since I've been exercising daily for two weeks. My weight has fluctuated a few pounds but the roundness has stayed the same. Any cardiac patient knows this can be a bad thing. I will have my I Tunes with me this time and listen to my two all time favorite singers Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. Music is one of the greatest soothing modalities out there. And for the most part I have been fortunate to be allowed to have it with me. Even if the performers never know how meaningful their music is in the tense moments of waiting rooms. Music still fills me with a sense of Hope and joy.

According to Dictionary.com Strength is defined as: –Noun 1.the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. 2.mental power, force, or vigor. 3.moral power, firmness, or courage. 4.vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. The list goes on and on! Some of the —Synonyms power, force, might. I agree with the definition vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. It is the strength in all of us whether you refer to it as power, force, might, courage, moral or mental power that gets us through the rough times in life. The hardest strength to find is emotional strength. We can all go to the gym and lift weights and increase the resistance level over time. However, we are not all strong enough to face 5 open heart surgeries and live to tell about it, like it's a natural occurrence that happens to everyone. It doesn't and sometimes the harsh reality of that stings so hard in the face that we can barely breath. We live with a little extra caution and worry in our li...

So what is all of this for? We work so hard to be happy even if we are not. We put on appearances and rarely show our true selves for fear of what others might think. Today I put in quite a workout, so I can feel better about myself and people will think I'm attractive. Seriously it's only like 6 pounds I gained from the change in meds. But when the old jeans don't fit, you start to travel down that path of why do I always watch what I eat when an outside factor makes it a mute point in the first place? I'm just venting because I thought in light of my latest heartache I would have heard from and been supported by more of my friends. Every time I get sick I learn More and more whom I can really count on. And that leaves almost no one, and in the end who gives a shit, Doctors "help us" but at some point and in some fashion we are all going to die anyway. So not to be depressing or cynical but to be a realist, I ask again "So What is the Point"?