Follow Me On My Journey

I just came home from my Empowerment Workshop tonight to find the sweetest and cutest picture if a 3 or 4 year old smiling Andrew. It was in one of those wallet protectors that parents and grandparents used to have before cell phones, I phones, digital cameras...etc. It was my father's and it had been in his shelf in the closet for years. As I continued to look through the pack, I found pictures of all of us. All of us as babies and a few of Andrew and me together from Kinder Photo. The last picture in the pack was my parents wedding photo in the beautiful black and white format. I adore the simplicity of black and white photos. The first picture and the whole pack, caught my breath and took it away for a minute, but I did not crumble into a pile of tears. But why does this always have to be on a Thursday. I was reminded that this beautiful soul was taken away and is taking care of all of us now just as we tried to do for him. Death is so weird, it feels like the person is...

One of my goals for the week was for me to journal at least once. I'm going to start an addition to my blog labels, it will be called "So Andrew..." This is the first one. So Andrew, you passed 8 weeks ago today. When I think about the where I was this moment and 10:09, and I was crying right after I screamed on the kitchen floor. I kept saying, "It's time to wake up now, it's time to wake up". Well I have finally started to sleep through the night and when I see you in my dreams I get so excited because it feels so real. The other night I made sure it was you by touching you, and when I woke up my hand was squeezing Rocket. I could not breathe again. Every time I think about why you are not here I wish we could go back in time, and I could take care of you and help. I know you would not have let me or any of us help. But still, if I could take back the fight. I want you to know so much! It's 8 weeks later, and I still cry at the drop of a h...

I've wanted to write for so long but have had so many emotions all at once that I did not know how to form a sentence. I have so much to say but have been scared to put those words out there, because then it makes them real. For instance there's a lot of things I'll never do and I'll never be. But that's looking at things negatively and black and white. The world is full of color and I need to color it more. The first thing that has been bothering me and making me feel small about myself. Ok smaller. ha ha. One thing that I can't do is read a book at the same speed as my mom or discuss it with our cousins and be on a book club. However I can read and I can set my own pace. Right now my mood is preventing me from having concentration for reading at all, but I know as time passes and life moves forward this will get better and I will read at my pace again. As I look for a job, I am learning what I'm good at, however the job I want may not be attainable...

I learned a valuable lesson tonight, and I was needing advice so I was very receptive to it. A good friend told me one to not blame myself for everything, and to not be so hard on myself. This is advice everyone tells me, but something about tonights conversation made it ring true. There are only so many things I can control and that's my feelings and emotions not those of others. You never know what might be behind the next corner. It's better to let go of your pain, pity, anger frustration and let it go, but to not direct it toward others. This has certainly been a trying time for me and my family. I was hoping things would be the same as before, before 7 years in Queens that is. I guess it can't we all change and make new friends and we try to incorporate the people of our lives where they fit appropriately. I've been feeling very lonesome from my move home. We did not expect Andrew to die one week later. This is a tragedy we are just starting to feel the r...

Can anyone tell me how to deal with the loss of my brother? Can anyone tell me how life is supposed to go on from here? Can anyone tell me how to handle all the reminders that there are of him or how to not cry when I see something mundane that reminds me of a time we shared? If anyone can tell me how to deal for real not day by day, then let me know because he left us to go onto a better place, and the one we're left in is all ugly and black to me. Can anyone tell me how not to break like a shard of glass again or to say goodbye to his kitty cats on Sunday? Tell me please, cause thinking about all of this takes my breath away! I'm glad his cats are going to family and that they will be together but, they are here and warming up to us and saying goodbye will hurt more than it should. So tell me how to handle that? I'm trying to keep it all togehter but don't know for how long I can do that! I'm strong but seriously, there comes a time and a place. So tell me ho...

I will love you now and forever! You are always my older brother, my first playmate and can't Ever, ever be replaced and I will never forget you. To this day I'd give my eye teeth for you! You are never and will never be alone. "You'll Never Walk Alone" never!! ;) I love you more than I can say and can't even breathe right now knowing something was so wrong and I did not to more to help!! I only wanted to be your friend and someone you could count on. I worked so hard after I woke up from surgery and you told me, “I just kicked some ass!” I Never fought so hard in my life to come back from a procedure just to show you how one can persevere and overcome life’s obstacles. I wanted you to learn from me how precious each day was and to never take anyone or anything for granted and while we may have fought or been angry at others to not hold a grudge because they just weigh you down. I know you were frustrated with me a lot of the time, we could all hear it in y...

Cute Cats and Gray Hair! These are the words I keep using to summarize the last 7 years of my life without any emotions. The fact of the matter is there is a lot of emotions and a lot of baggage (literally and figuratively) that accompany the experience of your first apartment. I've been told that 7 years is fairly long to stay in your first apartment. I agree as my place was over the LIRR I lived on the top floor, apartment 7C and every time the train went by my toaster tray would rattle. I kid you not! :/ I hated that and now it will be one of the things I'll cherish from there. The truth is I found a lot about myself in those walls. I found that I have the balls for what it takes to get up on stage and sing for a room full of people I don't know. It all started with CPW = Cabaret Performance Workshop, with the brilliant Helen Baldassarie. I gained the strenght and a friend to let me get up on stage and sing in a cabaret club. Kristen then lived with me for a while and I...