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Where the Hell Do I Belong?

I've not written for so long, and it's not because of laziness, it's because I truly had a hard time saying what I had to say. I've had so many experiences. Some of the best in my life, The Glee Concert, and BOOM staring my faves, Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. I went to a baby naming which was Awesome with all of the love for this tiny new person. I had yet another break down over something that will not happen for me. I am having a hard time accepting this. And forget that I'm single so my confidence about myself is through the roof. (Sarcasm) I am however, learning a lot about myself. What I need to do is figure out where I belong!

I have not found where I belong since I lost where I 'thought' I belonged and that failed on me. I've been to a few BBQ's over the last few weeks. While it's nice to get out of the house and socialize it's not nice if these parties make me feel bad about my self. On thing I have learned is that I am my own worst enemy. I feel such guilt and shame over everything. every action I do!! I am older than people at these BBQ's by more than a decade, it is so weird and disconserting to feel that I'm with people who wheren't even born when Thriller was No.1 and Michael Jackson was 'black' and did not have plastic surgery. Yet they all talked of him as if they had been. Weird. Than I went to a lovley party where everyone was successful and I again felt totally out of place. It was a room full of my peers that I was just meeting, but felt that my accomplishments in life where nothing to their degrees, jobs, and diplomas.

I literally feel as if my brain is scrambled eggs with swiss cheese (a type of cheese I don't even like). I feel as if I'm floating in this river of black sludge, and while I'm not a swimmer in life, it is this that is bringing me down in my emotions. If I could get a handle on them I could force my way out of this filthy sea, and see that there is still good for me to do, and I don't have to carry a heavy burden of shame, guilt and doubt over every fucking move I make. I'm afraind I will crack again, and I can't afford that at any cost!!! I just don't know where in the hell I fit!! It's scary and exhausting, and yet I have a lot of work ahead to clean out my first apartment so I can move back in with my folks because my achievements have not been good enough yet!!! This whole thing just saddens me and makes me wish I had some "Wonder Woman" strenght right now to see me through this and I feel so wimpy instead! Wimpy is scary and lonely. So for now I will call it a day and try to regain some strength and power tomorrow.

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