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Showing posts from 2011

Happy New Year!

Remember the true meaning of Love and Life.  Tomorrow is just another Day! Resolutions are silly.  They are really just changes in our behavior.  You can start them any time.  No one says Jan.1 is the only time to start. In my status I stated that I would not take other's nonsense (crap) because it's negative.  Well I have not for a few months now, and have been trying to let go of the lies and empty promises I've been fed.  If people do that to you, they are no longer your friend.  If they are not there for you when the chips are really down, reevaluate and move on.  People change and that's just the way it works, no matter the pain.
I am done apologizing for voicing my feelings and opinions to others whom I feel have upset me. (This is a general and true statement, not directed to anyone who's going to read this).
I know when I have done something wrong and when I have not.  The moment I realize I have done something wrong, usually unintentionally I instantly own u…

I Am Not Afraid!

I wrote recently that I am afraid all the time. I am afraid of when I will get sick again! I have been afraid that my dreams of singing, writing, and public speaking will not come true. These are all stupid things to fear. Why do I say that? I cannot control when and if I will get sick again. I have been through almost everything at this point that I am stronger than I was before this last bout. Why worry about what I cannot control? That is a lot of wasted time and energy, leading to sadness and exhaustion.


Secondly, I am the only one who can control my dreams coming true. I can ask for help and input; however, no one can do the research, writing, speaking and singing for me. All of these give me such joy and a positive way to help others and myself. When thinking about the big picture, these are overwhelming tasks, with all the talent out there. However, who is to say that someone will not find talent in me? I can pursue these ambitions while pursuing my career. They light me up ins…

Promises, Promises...

I'm an extremely honest and loyal person, whether, I'm your relative, or friend, or co-worker or acquaintance.  However, I can't help but be upset when people make promises and don't keep them.  Everyone has growth to do.  This is a part of me that need to work on so I can grow past it and not feel let down, when people don't follow through.  I think for me it is just that I work so hard at everything in my life I don't give myself a break and expect the same from others.  I also want everyone to like me, but I think that that's just natural.  I'm growing out of that because there are people who I am not fond of so everyone does not need to be fond of me.

Does this actually make me a bad person?

Stay Tuned...

In my last blog, I asked if I should start a Face Book fan page or group.  Both got a nice reception.  A friend actually laid out a page for me to use as a fan page.  So stay tuned because I want to hear everyone's journey's through life and how everyone handles it all.  Sometimes an ear from an unexpecting friend is all that's needed to change your outlook.

I will continue to follow my dreams on this site but will also start to do so on Face Book through the help of my friends. 

All the best!! El <3

How Sick I Was For Almost a Year

This year was a hard one for my family. This year was not as hard as last year was, however, hard and emotional in different ways. I feel as if this year, I am the one who fought for my life. No one died. I did not have to eulogize anyone, Thank G-d!

However, as stated in the title, I have been sick for almost a full year. It started in February, with a weight loss, but I eat healthy so I thought nothing of it. A month later in March, my belly started to fill up like never before. I began to look pregnant. I had migraines daily, and my belly got so big that my belly button inverted. I am not able or advised to have a baby so this was extra hard!

Because I'm strong, and perform, I made up a clever story about my 'pseudo baby' as it was easier than telling people I was in heart failure and the doctors were fighting over whether it was my liver or my heart. This went on for 6 months. I had multiple belly taps, and the fluid, called ascites, would come back literally within mi…

New Friends and Bonds

There are these thoughts and innate feelings. I have as a person with a CHD (congenital heart defect). I am learning that a lot of other CHD'ers as we are called or now Adult CHD'ers feel the same way. I have primarily heard this from woman. Nevertheless, the men too often wonder when the other shoe will drop. I for one go about my life as fully as I can.

However, when the lights go out, that is when the worry starts to happen, and I can almost predict, how and when the other shoe will drop. I have predicted it accurately a few times, which is what makes this last bout so difficult. I knew something was wrong with my heart and my body, but did not know what. I spent months in fear, and trying to go about my life was difficult, to say the least.

(That however is for another post).

It is the fact that all CHD patients have this ability to know when the good is good. When the bad will get worse, and when the good is temporary. Part of that comes from our physicians, but a larg…

Future Plans

I told my family that I need to be a spokesperson and that I want to write a book. I don't think this was a shock to them. However I have no idea how to do either. If anyone has done either please let me know.I need all the help I can get to make this dream a reality!! I say it I mean it!!

Next Monday

Hi all, I had a great doctors appointment yesterday. however I will be admitted overnight next Monday. we are not sure if it is for 1 night or 2 nights. Either way, visitors are welcome and I am getting bored! please feel free to contact me and stop Montifiore if you have a chance!! Shits & giggles are promised!! More details to come soon.

NO TRANSPLANTS!!!

Hi Everyone,

What a crazy roller coaster the last two Weeks have been. All I can say is that I DON'T need a LIVER or a HEART TRANSPLANT!! :)

No better words than that. We do not know what is causing my symptoms but the fight is getting old. However now that we know what it is not it is time to look with a new pair of lenses, and re-evaluate everything. So knowing what it isn't and rejoicing in that gives me the strength for a few more rounds to figure out WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS.

Yes, I know I complained about my doctor this week, so what? She just has to help me get better, while I get a thicker skin. I'm a Greenberg, I can handle Little Miss UNcongeniality! If she's the worst part of this process, but she can help, as Andrew would say, "Let her"!!

I just can't believe how the doctors thought I needed these two procedures, I started the <3 transplant process and now I DON'T NEED IT!! It will be good holidays this year for us in that aspect!! HUGE NEWS

If…

Slowly and Steadily?!...

I promised I would keep up my blog now that I'm having health issues. This morning I get a call from my cardiologist's secretary that from 12-2 tomorrow I'm going to me the "T" Team. I'll meet the transplant coordinator, the psychiatrist or psychologist, not sure which one, the person in charge of insurance and finances and finally the social worker. I will then see my doctor at 2:00 which was set up from last week.

This call took my breath away, but the positive is that I can meet them and have that part over with before starting testing next Friday. So as far as knowing if I'm on the list or not sounds like it will happen a LOT faster than we thought. After, I'm on the list who knows.

I will write about tomorrow. Tonight I just hope my exhaustion is more than my nerves and that I sleep.

xo- Ellen

A New Heart Filled Adventure

After a horrible time with my liver biopsy 3 weeks ago, we learned my liver was fine. This was after I had 3 liters tapped out of my abdomen and it was all bloody, showing a bleed from my liver into my abdomen. I ended up spending two nights in the ICU and one on the liver floor before leaving. We were so very lucky to get home before Hurricane Irene hit hard. Also my liver is fine!! Whew!


This does however mean that my heart is not :(. The doctors have tried all the diuretics and still I fill up. In fact this coming Thursday, I will have my 5th tap or parasentesis (sp?) since April. I'm not even nervous about it, which is sort of sick, because I've been so uncomfortable, especially at night that I'll do anything to feel some relief! Since the regime of trying different doses and different diuretics and constant belly taps is not an option for the rest of my life, my doctor is cautiously moving ahead.

Next week I begin some testing for an evaluation for the Heart Transplant…

MY BIG PAINFUL BELLY

I had my very first belly tap to get rid of ascites. I am starting to feel better from the tap in my belly for asites; no one told me it would make my BP bottom to 90/30 or, that I would hurt for so long after.

It was supposed to take place at one and did not take place until five that he even showed up? The NP told me not to eat. The doctor said it was fine to eat, but lunch and my appt, time were the same, she kept me NPO all day and then totally lied and started to argue with my mom, saying she was following the NPO order which no one had officially ordered. Only this Nurse Practitioner, who told me to "Wait" if it were a doctor’s order, would have been in my chart & a sign on my door.

Thank god for my mom! The doctor left right after he stuck me. The nurse would not check to see that I was training according her, “That’s Not My Job!" My mom cancelled her plans after that stayed to message my belly and have me move slightly until all three ugly liters were o…

Hey Old Friend

Today I had a lovely day. I went to see my counselor Amy and it's great that we can pick up where we left off say 15 years ago! We can chill and watch a TV show and know what the other's thinking. It has not been weird at all to reconnect with her, except that I have gained 2 inches in height on her! But I still love her like a sister and will always have her back and she definitely caught mine in my family's time of need. She was close with my brother 20 years ago, so she knows that I'm in pain and she takes care of me like I'm her family and I do for her!! We had a great day of chilling and healing today. The good thing is that there's always more time to do that.

I did all this today and spent a lot of time with an old friend, which is so vitally important, but I did not do yoga & meditation for the year yet. This leaves me 6 more days to get two yoga and meditation sessions in. I'm trying for tomorrow or Wednesday depending on errands and defini…

Happy New Year! Blog year 2.

I did not realize how long it's been since I've blogged. I've had a lot to say, but was a bit scared to put it out there. I realize nowI don't have to and can write but not publish it to Face Book, or just write in my journal.

I start this year smarter and stronger than I started last year. Obviously I will NEVER get over the tragic loss of my older brother Andrew. I do dream about him quite often which is a source of comfort, but is always a disappointment when I wake up and realize the reality, that is a constant source of pain which we all feel responsible for.

I did however do a lot of self work and inner soul searching. Every year people make resolutions. How many of those stick? I'm not making resolutions, because I will be the first one to drop the ball on one. This year I will change 2 things in my life that can be measured and if I fall off, I can always get back on. I really enjoy yoga, but have not done it in months. I will include yoga 2 days out of the…