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Showing posts from 2010

What I Came Home To

I just came home from my Empowerment Workshop tonight to find the sweetest and cutest picture if a 3 or 4 year old smiling Andrew. It was in one of those wallet protectors that parents and grandparents used to have before cell phones, I phones, digital cameras...etc. It was my father's and it had been in his shelf in the closet for years. As I continued to look through the pack, I found pictures of all of us. All of us as babies and a few of Andrew and me together from Kinder Photo. The last picture in the pack was my parents wedding photo in the beautiful black and white format. I adore the simplicity of black and white photos. The first picture and the whole pack, caught my breath and took it away for a minute, but I did not crumble into a pile of tears. But why does this always have to be on a Thursday. I was reminded that this beautiful soul was taken away and is taking care of all of us now just as we tried to do for him.

Death is so weird, it feels like the person i…

8 Weeks Later

One of my goals for the week was for me to journal at least once. I'm going to start an addition to my blog labels, it will be called "So Andrew..." This is the first one. So Andrew, you passed 8 weeks ago today. When I think about the where I was this moment and 10:09, and I was crying right after I screamed on the kitchen floor. I kept saying, "It's time to wake up now, it's time to wake up". Well I have finally started to sleep through the night and when I see you in my dreams I get so excited because it feels so real. The other night I made sure it was you by touching you, and when I woke up my hand was squeezing Rocket. I could not breathe again. Every time I think about why you are not here I wish we could go back in time, and I could take care of you and help. I know you would not have let me or any of us help. But still, if I could take back the fight. I want you to know so much!

It's 8 weeks later, and I still cry at the drop of a h…

Long Time No Write

I've wanted to write for so long but have had so many emotions all at once that I did not know how to form a sentence. I have so much to say but have been scared to put those words out there, because then it makes them real. For instance there's a lot of things I'll never do and I'll never be. But that's looking at things negatively and black and white. The world is full of color and I need to color it more. The first thing that has been bothering me and making me feel small about myself. Ok smaller. ha ha. One thing that I can't do is read a book at the same speed as my mom or discuss it with our cousins and be on a book club. However I can read and I can set my own pace. Right now my mood is preventing me from having concentration for reading at all, but I know as time passes and life moves forward this will get better and I will read at my pace again.

As I look for a job, I am learning what I'm good at, however the job I want may not be attainabl…

Good Advice

I learned a valuable lesson tonight, and I was needing advice so I was very receptive to it. A good friend told me one to not blame myself for everything, and to not be so hard on myself. This is advice everyone tells me, but something about tonights conversation made it ring true. There are only so many things I can control and that's my feelings and emotions not those of others. You never know what might be behind the next corner. It's better to let go of your pain, pity, anger frustration and let it go, but to not direct it toward others. This has certainly been a trying time for me and my family. I was hoping things would be the same as before, before 7 years in Queens that is. I guess it can't we all change and make new friends and we try to incorporate the people of our lives where they fit appropriately. I've been feeling very lonesome from my move home. We did not expect Andrew to die one week later. This is a tragedy we are just starting to feel the …

Can Anyone Tell Me How?

Can anyone tell me how to deal with the loss of my brother? Can anyone tell me how life is supposed to go on from here? Can anyone tell me how to handle all the reminders that there are of him or how to not cry when I see something mundane that reminds me of a time we shared? If anyone can tell me how to deal for real not day by day, then let me know because he left us to go onto a better place, and the one we're left in is all ugly and black to me. Can anyone tell me how not to break like a shard of glass again or to say goodbye to his kitty cats on Sunday? Tell me please, cause thinking about all of this takes my breath away! I'm glad his cats are going to family and that they will be together but, they are here and warming up to us and saying goodbye will hurt more than it should. So tell me how to handle that? I'm trying to keep it all togehter but don't know for how long I can do that! I'm strong but seriously, there comes a time and a place.
So tell me ho…

My Eulogy To Andrew:

I will love you now and forever! You are always my older brother, my first playmate and can't Ever, ever be replaced and I will never forget you. To this day I'd give my eye teeth for you! You are never and will never be alone. "You'll Never Walk Alone" never!! ;) I love you more than I can say and can't even breathe right now knowing something was so wrong and I did not to more to help!!

I only wanted to be your friend and someone you could count on. I worked so hard after I woke up from surgery and you told me, “I just kicked some ass!” I Never fought so hard in my life to come back from a procedure just to show you how one can persevere and overcome life’s obstacles. I wanted you to learn from me how precious each day was and to never take anyone or anything for granted and while we may have fought or been angry at others to not hold a grudge because they just weigh you down. I know you were frustrated with me a lot of the time, we could all hear it in …

Cute Cats and Gray Hair!

Cute Cats and Gray Hair! These are the words I keep using to summarize the last 7 years of my life without any emotions. The fact of the matter is there is a lot of emotions and a lot of baggage (literally and figuratively) that accompany the experience of your first apartment. I've been told that 7 years is fairly long to stay in your first apartment. I agree as my place was over the LIRR I lived on the top floor, apartment 7C and every time the train went by my toaster tray would rattle. I kid you not! :/ I hated that and now it will be one of the things I'll cherish from there.

The truth is I found a lot about myself in those walls. I found that I have the balls for what it takes to get up on stage and sing for a room full of people I don't know. It all started with CPW = Cabaret Performance Workshop, with the brilliant Helen Baldassarie. I gained the strenght and a friend to let me get up on stage and sing in a cabaret club. Kristen then lived with me for a while and I…

Productivity :)

I was so unbelievably productive today I can't believe it despite the heat. I think the disgusting weather was pushing me forward to a cool, relaxing shower in my mind. I spent close to 2 hours in the library and was then on my way to Queens. I packed as much as I possibly could without passing out! Literally!! It was HOT in the apartment that when I left the A/C had not even started to cool the place off. Pack a box, sit in front of the A/C with a glass of water. Slow but I did manage to pack most of my linen closet. The heat is totally messing around with my internal thermometer but I have to pack because July 22, will be here before I know it and then I can take a day to lay in the coolth of the A/C in my new place. My new place is my old place or my safety spot in tag. Home. That's right for the mean time I will be living in my old room, with some new flair my two kitty babes, Rocket and Rescue. We will stay here till I am more settled with my self and than we will have a …

Where the Hell Do I Belong?

I've not written for so long, and it's not because of laziness, it's because I truly had a hard time saying what I had to say. I've had so many experiences. Some of the best in my life, The Glee Concert, and BOOM staring my faves, Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. I went to a baby naming which was Awesome with all of the love for this tiny new person. I had yet another break down over something that will not happen for me. I am having a hard time accepting this. And forget that I'm single so my confidence about myself is through the roof. (Sarcasm) I am however, learning a lot about myself. What I need to do is figure out where I belong!

I have not found where I belong since I lost where I 'thought' I belonged and that failed on me. I've been to a few BBQ's over the last few weeks. While it's nice to get out of the house and socialize it's not nice if these parties make me feel bad about my self. On thing I have learned is tha…

Singer! :)

I went to the GLEE Concert tonight! And I am forever a singer through and through!! I will elaborate more in the morning after my workout. But singing is the absolute core of my being. It's who I am and what I live for. I feel that it's a positive way to express my feelings, even the unhappy, scary ones.

Remembering progress

I am going to the cardiologist tomorrow morning and I'm really hoping I like what he has to say! Nevertheless, I am remembering the progress and the lesson from last week. Strength! I will certainly be wearing my bracelet :) I just hope there is a simple reason why my belly has been so round lately, especially since I've been exercising daily for two weeks. My weight has fluctuated a few pounds but the roundness has stayed the same. Any cardiac patient knows this can be a bad thing. I will have my I Tunes with me this time and listen to my two all time favorite singers Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. Music is one of the greatest soothing modalities out there. And for the most part I have been fortunate to be allowed to have it with me. Even if the performers never know how meaningful their music is in the tense moments of waiting rooms. Music still fills me with a sense of Hope and joy.

STRENGTH!!

According to Dictionary.com Strength is defined as:
–Noun
1.the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
2.mental power, force, or vigor.
3.moral power, firmness, or courage.
4.vigor of action, language, feeling, etc.


The list goes on and on! Some of the —Synonyms power, force, might.

I agree with the definition vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. It is the strength in all of us whether you refer to it as power, force, might, courage, moral or mental power that gets us through the rough times in life. The hardest strength to find is emotional strength. We can all go to the gym and lift weights and increase the resistance level over time. However, we are not all strong enough to face 5 open heart surgeries and live to tell about it, like it's a natural occurrence that happens to everyone. It doesn't and sometimes the harsh reality of that stings so hard in the face that we can barely breath. We live with a little extra caution and worry in our lives…

So What!

So what is all of this for? We work so hard to be happy even if we are not. We put on appearances and rarely show our true selves for fear of what others might think. Today I put in quite a workout, so I can feel better about myself and people will think I'm attractive. Seriously it's only like 6 pounds I gained from the change in meds. But when the old jeans don't fit, you start to travel down that path of why do I always watch what I eat when an outside factor makes it a mute point in the first place? I'm just venting because I thought in light of my latest heartache I would have heard from and been supported by more of my friends. Every time I get sick I learn More and more whom I can really count on. And that leaves almost no one, and in the end who gives a shit, Doctors "help us" but at some point and in some fashion we are all going to die anyway. So not to be depressing or cynical but to be a realist, I ask again "So What is the Point"?

Radical Acceptance

I feel so anxious right now. I just called my boss and left him a voice mail saying that I would be needing to take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year. I have this sense of guilt, but it's strange because of the tools I learned I am trying to manage these emotions, rather than let them get the best of me. I thought somehow that I would feel relieved and I may in a day or two. I think that everything that has happened over the past month is starting to sink in. This phone call was the thing that has allowed me to start the process of 'Radical Acceptance', and in an emotional way that hurts too!

The positive is that I made the call in a timely manner, I did not procrastinate on it and have offered to tie up loose ends with my students, like saying good bye. I may not be allowed to do the latter but I offered while still putting me first in order to continue my process of recovery. So I will congratulate myself on this little achievement and let the guilt …

A Story of a Brave Little Girl

There once was a little baby girl born with a sick heart. Little light blue fingers, lips and toes. She was cute and loved by almost all. Relatives either were drawn in by her big eyes, gentle manor and laugh or they were afraid of her in fear of "breaking her".

With all the love and support anyone could wish for, life was extremely rough and trying. The best analogy she could make was that it resembled running on a track with hurdles, where each one is significantly higher than the one before.

One time she tripped and stumbled over the hurdle. In her mind's eye it seemed to be the highest hurdle yet. This was a blow she did not know if she could recover from. All of her smarts and good sense of humor could not pull her out of the black whole that seemed to be sucking her down.

It was like the tornado scene in The Wizard of Oz and it was literally sucking the life out of her. Turning her blacker and blacker. Her head…

How Nuts is This?

Ann Hampton Callaway an Amazing singer, songwriter!!! Tells her Face book friends to let them know when they are going to her show so she can give them preferred seating. I email saying I was going tonight at 9:00. Great she tells me, I reserved a preferred seat for you. The bill comes and my seat was compt. Complimentary on her. The Red Dress pin I brought for her hardly compares. I am in shock and awe!! More than that she read my article and asks if I'm going to write a book or how about a song. And offers to help me with that?? Well by now I'm having verbal diarrhea because I can't believe that this situation is Actually happening to me!! I mean, I keep singing how I need a little help and a miracle and OMG are you for real? I'm still pinching myself. Even if it goes there, the sentiment and the compt seat were the best things ever from a musician I admire so much!! xoxo- Pinching myself that this was not a dream.

I hope everyone has such an exciting moment…

Happy Birthday Sentement

To quote my favorite show Wicked, "Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game, too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!" Have my instincts for the past 31 years been that bad? Am I living in a ditch? No I'm doing what everyone thought I would not be able to do, hold a job and an apartment. I've beat the odds in the past, I'm not going to wuss out now! Now is the time to put on my "Wonder Woman" attire and kick butt! My life is in my hands and my destiny is my own! I can make it whatever I want from here on out. I was raised to know right from wrong and good from bad, and along the way I learned what was good for someone else might be bad for me and vicea versa, no shame in that. I'm going to fight to get all of my will back and work hard to be a happier more self-fulfilled less stresse…

So unmotivated

I'm so unmotivated and have so much, I mean so very much to do. I don't mean only in the short term, I mean in my life. There are so many things that I have to do in my life. I have to record an album or two, I want so much to become famous and be on TV. I need to find what I truly love to do. I am so exhausted and miserable from grad school. I need to be done. Basically I feel like I need a miracle and a new start in life. To do all that I have to and all that I want to. even the daily basics are falling to the wayside. All I did today was sleep. I know my body must need it but for real? I just feel that I am suited to do so much more than I do in my day to day life. I have so much love to give and so much insight to share that I need to find the proper avenue for that.



I also feel better without my meds some days. They make me feel funny andf add to my current symptoms of dizzyness, rapid heart beat.



I'm trying to get excited for my birthday but since my life is NOTHING li…

Sorry

Sorry, I have not been feeling that inspirational lately, and therefore have not written. I don't know where my spark for inspiring has gone but at the moment I can't seem to find and I'm too tired to look for it.

While I did no homework today after a long and disappointing day today. I did manage to make my first pot of real chicken noodle soup. So small victoriers. Early to be bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise! :\

Kitty Kitty

It is so funny, how animals can change our outlook on life. You can be in a bad mood over the troubles of the world. You could feel the weight of your own world crashing down. or you could be on top of the world. Thinking things can't be better. Then you find your new cat curled up with the wireless computer mouse that you've been looking for. Suddenly everything around you disappears as you are melted by the sheer cuteness of the situation!

What is going on?

What is going on? I am soo unbelievably exhausted! I have not felt this tired, slow and sluggish since before surgery 3 1/2 years ago. I'm sure it's just my mood and the fact that it's winter but I feel like crap. Winter always takes a toll on my body. I'm trying my best to be upbeat as there are a lot of great things happening in my life. I'm going to start recording in a few weeks. And I want to further my work in public speaking as a way to motivate people with health issues. I plan on taking on only what I have to do this week, until I start to feel more like my old self.

I bought my mother a voicelesson the other day for her upcoming birthday. It is so special to have such a talented mother, she is such a beautiful woman both inside and out. I hope that when I am in her shoes I can possess such grace.
Well s much as I would like to continue to type and sleep I have to put that off for a few more hours so I can get some work done for work tomorrow.

Hopefully Hopeful

I am starting to feel hopeful about my sitiuation again. However I hope that it is not premature. I know I often get my hopes too soon.
I am slowly feeling better from being sick on Monday night, but the exhaustion is a bit too much lately. Bed early to hopefully wake early. Good night.

Hard

Why is every aspect of my life so damn hard!? I can not take it!! It's serioulsy exhausting!! My life would be so much easier if: I lived closer to work, if grad school wasn't so difficult, if I made more $$ inorder to live closer to work, and if I did not have a stupid heart defect!! It literally rules every aspect of my life in one way or another. After all these years, I'm just tired of it all. I don't feel that I have the fight left in me to take it and kick it in the ass anymore. :( I feel tired an run down all the time, which I know is no good at all!

I never, never complain but I have had enough of running myself into the ground to be like everyone else. I'm not and I never will be!! I need to start excepting that, and it will be tought. The only thing all of this ache is good for is ammo for songs.

Musical Enlightenment

Tonight I went to see two of my favorite performers. I sit in the club and I listen with all of my senses fully aware of what's happening. I am never more alive as when I am in an audience watching a performance by someone I really like. It is almost like a religious experience. All of my senses are heightened and I feel that for a split second anything in the world possible. It's as if I'm three years old and I am seeing the movie Annie all over again. I want to do this more than anything in the world. I want it so bad I don't even breathe while they are singing. I come home all high and gitty. My mind starts to scheme, how can I do that? What do I have to do to be that good? I want to do for others what the performer has just done for me .



I recently tasted how good this can be with my performance at the Duplex. I could feel a few moments where I actually had the crowd. I was so to speak "Working It". I got caught up in the emotions of the words, the moment…

Facebook Confusion

I simply do not understand why people who did not like or talk to me earlier in life are trying to friend me now(on face book). Who cares? I think that since we were not actually speaking for whatever reason, means I'm probably not going to return your friend request. This goes along with a short term memory and perhaps that sense of entitlement that I spoke of. Oh I know that person therefore in order to make my cyber life look better I will friend everyone I ever met.
Sorry to be harsh, I just can't figure this phenomenon out. Perhaps it is my 'old soul' talking. Please explain the rational to me for this so I can gain some wonderful life changing insight, that I obviously seem to lack.

This week has been challenging and I have felt in control of it all for the most part. I was able to manage work. I noticed how much easier work seems when I'm not actively in grad class simultaneously! Duh! ;)

Switch

Sometimes it seems so stupid to ask for something that you need so long after you first needed it! I am trying to change my situation to make my life somewhat easier. If I could finish grad school in Queens that could make things more livable for the duration of my program. I don't want to say too much but all you need to do is speak up and ask, and hopefully you will get someone receptive at the other end. There are so many people unwilling to help or give a flying *%$#.

It seems like this world is full of unwilling people and everyone you meet is self entitled and treats you like garbage before they know you. I know when someone treats me awful, I definitely want to be their best friend. I usually will secretly wish some form of harm or something awful on that person. It's like everyone is allowed to act like as ass and you have to take it. Sorry but don't take your garbage out on me anymore, or anyone I know for that matter. You want to act like a fool and tell people y…

You Tube

Tonight was very exciting, I'm on You Tube singing! It's from the night of my first cabaret show. That whole experience was exciting and the outcome had made me truly happy. I forgot how wonderful that could feel. I was recently asked what to make a list of the things I want.
However I am not allowed to use magical thinking. Well what's the point of that!! Being happy is magical. If you can't wish and want things outside of your grasp than why bother thinking or wishing. For this matter financial Independence is magical too, and not worrying about finances! I have decided last year (3 days ago), that I hate money.

Happy New Year!

Well we have made it to 2010 and I'm excited to see how long it takes my students to write the date correctly. Forget my students writing it correctly, I wrote 2008 the other day.
This blog will serve as an outlet for me for the upcoming year and maybe even beyond. I just bought a new computer and am merely trying out this site at the moment. I hope to blog later tonight for real. Much success to all in the upcoming year.