Follow Me On My Journey

I've not written for so long, and it's not because of laziness, it's because I truly had a hard time saying what I had to say. I've had so many experiences. Some of the best in my life, The Glee Concert, and BOOM staring my faves, Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. I went to a baby naming which was Awesome with all of the love for this tiny new person. I had yet another break down over something that will not happen for me. I am having a hard time accepting this. And forget that I'm single so my confidence about myself is through the roof. (Sarcasm) I am however, learning a lot about myself. What I need to do is figure out where I belong! I have not found where I belong since I lost where I 'thought' I belonged and that failed on me. I've been to a few BBQ's over the last few weeks. While it's nice to get out of the house and socialize it's not nice if these parties make me feel bad about my self. On thing I have learned is that...

I went to the GLEE Concert tonight! And I am forever a singer through and through!! I will elaborate more in the morning after my workout. But singing is the absolute core of my being. It's who I am and what I live for. I feel that it's a positive way to express my feelings, even the unhappy, scary ones.

I am going to the cardiologist tomorrow morning and I'm really hoping I like what he has to say! Nevertheless, I am remembering the progress and the lesson from last week. Strength! I will certainly be wearing my bracelet :) I just hope there is a simple reason why my belly has been so round lately, especially since I've been exercising daily for two weeks. My weight has fluctuated a few pounds but the roundness has stayed the same. Any cardiac patient knows this can be a bad thing. I will have my I Tunes with me this time and listen to my two all time favorite singers Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway. Music is one of the greatest soothing modalities out there. And for the most part I have been fortunate to be allowed to have it with me. Even if the performers never know how meaningful their music is in the tense moments of waiting rooms. Music still fills me with a sense of Hope and joy.

According to Dictionary.com Strength is defined as: –Noun 1.the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. 2.mental power, force, or vigor. 3.moral power, firmness, or courage. 4.vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. The list goes on and on! Some of the —Synonyms power, force, might. I agree with the definition vigor of action, language, feeling, etc. It is the strength in all of us whether you refer to it as power, force, might, courage, moral or mental power that gets us through the rough times in life. The hardest strength to find is emotional strength. We can all go to the gym and lift weights and increase the resistance level over time. However, we are not all strong enough to face 5 open heart surgeries and live to tell about it, like it's a natural occurrence that happens to everyone. It doesn't and sometimes the harsh reality of that stings so hard in the face that we can barely breath. We live with a little extra caution and worry in our li...

So what is all of this for? We work so hard to be happy even if we are not. We put on appearances and rarely show our true selves for fear of what others might think. Today I put in quite a workout, so I can feel better about myself and people will think I'm attractive. Seriously it's only like 6 pounds I gained from the change in meds. But when the old jeans don't fit, you start to travel down that path of why do I always watch what I eat when an outside factor makes it a mute point in the first place? I'm just venting because I thought in light of my latest heartache I would have heard from and been supported by more of my friends. Every time I get sick I learn More and more whom I can really count on. And that leaves almost no one, and in the end who gives a shit, Doctors "help us" but at some point and in some fashion we are all going to die anyway. So not to be depressing or cynical but to be a realist, I ask again "So What is the Point"?

I feel so anxious right now. I just called my boss and left him a voice mail saying that I would be needing to take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year. I have this sense of guilt, but it's strange because of the tools I learned I am trying to manage these emotions, rather than let them get the best of me. I thought somehow that I would feel relieved and I may in a day or two. I think that everything that has happened over the past month is starting to sink in. This phone call was the thing that has allowed me to start the process of 'Radical Acceptance', and in an emotional way that hurts too! The positive is that I made the call in a timely manner, I did not procrastinate on it and have offered to tie up loose ends with my students, like saying good bye. I may not be allowed to do the latter but I offered while still putting me first in order to continue my process of recovery. So I will congratulate myself on this little achievement and let the guilt ...

There once was a little baby girl born with a sick heart. Little light blue fingers, lips and toes. She was cute and loved by almost all. Relatives either were drawn in by her big eyes, gentle manor and laugh or they were afraid of her in fear of "breaking her". With all the love and support anyone could wish for, life was extremely rough and trying. The best analogy she could make was that it resembled running on a track with hurdles, where each one is significantly higher than the one before. One time she tripped and stumbled over the hurdle. In her mind's eye it seemed to be the highest hurdle yet. This was a blow she did not know if she could recover from. All of her smarts and good sense of humor could not pull her out of the black whole that seemed to be sucking her down. It was like the tornado scene in The Wizard of Oz and it was literally sucking the life out of her. Turning he...