Follow Me On My Journey

I had my very first belly tap to get rid of ascites. I am starting to feel better from the tap in my belly for asites; no one told me it would make my BP bottom to 90/30 or, that I would hurt for so long after. It was supposed to take place at one and did not take place until five that he even showed up? The NP told me not to eat. The doctor said it was fine to eat, but lunch and my appt, time were the same, she kept me NPO all day and then totally lied and started to argue with my mom, saying she was following the NPO order which no one had officially ordered. Only this Nurse Practitioner, who told me to "Wait" if it were a doctor’s order, would have been in my chart & a sign on my door. Thank god for my mom! The doctor left right after he stuck me. The nurse would not check to see that I was training according her, “That’s Not My Job!" My mom cancelled her plans after that stayed to message my belly and have me move slightly until all three ugly liters were...

Today I had a lovely day. I went to see my counselor Amy and it's great that we can pick up where we left off say 15 years ago! We can chill and watch a TV show and know what the other's thinking. It has not been weird at all to reconnect with her, except that I have gained 2 inches in height on her! But I still love her like a sister and will always have her back and she definitely caught mine in my family's time of need. She was close with my brother 20 years ago, so she knows that I'm in pain and she takes care of me like I'm her family and I do for her!! We had a great day of chilling and healing today. The good thing is that there's always more time to do that. I did all this today and spent a lot of time with an old friend, which is so vitally important, but I did not do yoga & meditation for the year yet. This leaves me 6 more days to get two yoga and meditation sessions in. I'm trying for tomorrow or Wednesday depending on errands and definit...

I did not realize how long it's been since I've blogged. I've had a lot to say, but was a bit scared to put it out there. I realize nowI don't have to and can write but not publish it to Face Book, or just write in my journal. I start this year smarter and stronger than I started last year. Obviously I will NEVER get over the tragic loss of my older brother Andrew. I do dream about him quite often which is a source of comfort, but is always a disappointment when I wake up and realize the reality, that is a constant source of pain which we all feel responsible for. I did however do a lot of self work and inner soul searching. Every year people make resolutions. How many of those stick? I'm not making resolutions, because I will be the first one to drop the ball on one. This year I will change 2 things in my life that can be measured and if I fall off, I can always get back on. I really enjoy yoga, but have not done it in months. I will include yoga 2 days out of the ...

Go Red For Women

I just came home from my Empowerment Workshop tonight to find the sweetest and cutest picture if a 3 or 4 year old smiling Andrew. It was in one of those wallet protectors that parents and grandparents used to have before cell phones, I phones, digital cameras...etc. It was my father's and it had been in his shelf in the closet for years. As I continued to look through the pack, I found pictures of all of us. All of us as babies and a few of Andrew and me together from Kinder Photo. The last picture in the pack was my parents wedding photo in the beautiful black and white format. I adore the simplicity of black and white photos. The first picture and the whole pack, caught my breath and took it away for a minute, but I did not crumble into a pile of tears. But why does this always have to be on a Thursday. I was reminded that this beautiful soul was taken away and is taking care of all of us now just as we tried to do for him. Death is so weird, it feels like the person is...

One of my goals for the week was for me to journal at least once. I'm going to start an addition to my blog labels, it will be called "So Andrew..." This is the first one. So Andrew, you passed 8 weeks ago today. When I think about the where I was this moment and 10:09, and I was crying right after I screamed on the kitchen floor. I kept saying, "It's time to wake up now, it's time to wake up". Well I have finally started to sleep through the night and when I see you in my dreams I get so excited because it feels so real. The other night I made sure it was you by touching you, and when I woke up my hand was squeezing Rocket. I could not breathe again. Every time I think about why you are not here I wish we could go back in time, and I could take care of you and help. I know you would not have let me or any of us help. But still, if I could take back the fight. I want you to know so much! It's 8 weeks later, and I still cry at the drop of a h...

I've wanted to write for so long but have had so many emotions all at once that I did not know how to form a sentence. I have so much to say but have been scared to put those words out there, because then it makes them real. For instance there's a lot of things I'll never do and I'll never be. But that's looking at things negatively and black and white. The world is full of color and I need to color it more. The first thing that has been bothering me and making me feel small about myself. Ok smaller. ha ha. One thing that I can't do is read a book at the same speed as my mom or discuss it with our cousins and be on a book club. However I can read and I can set my own pace. Right now my mood is preventing me from having concentration for reading at all, but I know as time passes and life moves forward this will get better and I will read at my pace again. As I look for a job, I am learning what I'm good at, however the job I want may not be attainable...